If God allows…. and if I’m still alive, and able to…

Hope to aim for a Nissan March by the end of next year

Sweet.

A little hungry I guess. hehe.

These are edible! I won’t spare any of them…even though they are really cute..

Had guava for dinner. Not much of an appetite then.

Quite happy that with a more stable routine and working hours, I have time in the morning for q.t. especially when sitting on the double decker bus.

Bliss.

Think that I should take some things easy, while putting more weightage on other more important things.

Really feel like visiting the cemetery some day. Kept thinking about it these days. Think that kind of place really helps one to understand one own self better.

Kinda dreamed of being called back to my old workplace in SGH to work for a night. I was walking through the Chinatown area, saw some interesting things, and thought of going to a coffee shop to eat something first, before heading to work. Kind of happy to go back there to help them, to see the rest of the colleagues like Winnie, Joanna, Angelia, Amanda, Fiona, Jaspreet, aidah, zainab….etc.

Then just this song keep playing in my mind after I woke up from the dream. I kept searching for the song, thought it’s sung by Jay Chou, then realised no it’s not.

How time flies. Life is gone quickly.. Just hope that I’ll be able to add colours into my present life, and when I look back, I’ll still be able to smile and not regret..

Having orientation for a few days at the new work place this week. @@

HAHA

Иска ми се да напиша името си в звездите.

Inspired by Twilight and Wonder girls.

Just for laughs.

Quite happy to meet my best friend Fifi, and had a really good talk with her.

Kinda realised from her that my motives for doing things are “weird” in a way at times. Like normal people wouldn’t want to do those because of those reasons.

I do realise that and I do find it a little appalling that I have strange reasons for doing certain things. I don’t really understand why that is so. Or why do I operate in that way. Is it due to past childhood experiences or certain experiences that I’ve went through? I can’t really put a finger to any, as a reason for that. I just feel that, it is something that comes naturally to me, like a certain kind of “instinct”, a person once said that I had that kind of “calling” in me. It is something that is part of the essence of my very soul or being, of which I still do not comprehend.

It is scary that perhaps, when one loses hope, which IS essential for LIFE, one loses a third of his or herself? Leaving behind Faith and Love to operate for the other two thirds, which is just activated “blindly”, without “hope”, because when hope is lost, and faith and love operates, the result may be different?

I have learnt to cope with death. Mourning people’s death has been part and parcel of my job and past experiences. Until that any bad thing that happens, I see it as something like death, which one mourns about, but after that, life still carries on. This mortifying mentality may be fatalistic, in which one “anticipates” bad things to happen, and doesn’t feel much sadness as expected when it comes, as one gets so used to it.

Don’t know if there is any other person who is able to understand my weird disposition. I do believe that there is a “Dr Jekyll” and Mr Hyde in all of us. It is only whether we choose to activate the other abominable side of ourselves. The line may be very thin, but the difference can be a whole complete world. How scary and the potential of destruction that lies in one’s own choices? Choice carries with it- consequences, responsibilities, commitment, heart aches, tears, sweat…. fruition or not, it depends on whether the choice is right. It is only when faced with two EQUALLY appealing, attractive choices, or two contrasting but distinctively choices, is one really in a giant dilemma. I know people do say to seek the Lord, to ask for His guidance. But how can one put down one’s own headstrong opinion of one’s strongest desire? Perhaps, that desire has been the strongest that the person has ever encountered in his or her entire life, perhaps it has never been satisfied since the person was a little child. Would that desire destroy him or her? No it wouldn’t, but it would be the choice that can destroy that person. But who is sure that the wrong choice will definitely lead to destruction? Who can be sure that it is really the right choice? I think only God knows it. He is the only one who knows what is the ending of every story. But I hate the stubbornness in myself. I hate the headstrong determined self which seeks to justify a wrong choice that may be actually right.

For life is but a breath.

But the soul lives on forever. I just hold on to that. And try to make my life worth the suffering. . .. . . . .. .  For living is suffering. Though happiness and joy do come by, one does suffer when one lives. Just make sure that it is worth it.

The world and its pleasures are passing away…

Hope that the Lord will save me from this paralyzing situation. For I have been paralyzed. I’m unable to make any wise decision of which is the right choice. Totally unable to. Disarmed and disempowered.

Perhaps this is the toughest spiritual battle that I have ever encountered…….

A video shows a thousand words, and more. Nice video animation..

“Iste igitur non quidem fratricida set peior suicida, stoicus professione, epicurus morte; putasne cum Nerone et Socrate et Catone suicidis receptus sit celo?”

“he was a fratricida (brother’s murderer) but worse, a suicide, stoicus by profession, epicurus dead, you do not imagine, do you, that he has a place in Heaven with the suicides Nero, Socrates and Cato?”

Dissertation is still churning..

Just breezed through the Stomp! site for the first time, and saw quite a lot of posts about people complaining about beggars being a disturbing or unsightly presence. Especially the comment that Singapore is supposed to be clean, clear and to have a healthy environment, and that is not possible when those beggars are present.

My initial thoughts were that of indignation, feeling kind of protective towards those beggars, as I do see them as my clique of people way back years ago….

When doing outdoor sales, some of these people who ask for money will help me to look out for the Ministry of Environment people (called 地牛 in hokkien), who have the authority to “fine” us for “touting” or “being a nuisance in public”. Even remembered this old man who plays an instrument for money collection, helped me to bring in my cardboard box of stock items into the shelter when it rained. Like when the  地牛s come, they would shout to us, and we will run away together.. My poor friend ever kena fined $100plus for selling things outside city hall mrt area.

But it’s kind of easier to sell those at night when those 地牛s end their office hours work.. hehe.

People who have never experienced thickening their skins to ask for money will never understand how these beggars felt. They will never understand the kind of sadness when no one gives them any money.

So please do leave those people alone. Dun help nvm, dun talk so much. For the rich will always oppress the poor.

Stop bullying my friends.

Do u really believe that one can earn $2000-$4000 per day by begging? it requires one to earn at least $181/hour for 11 hrs- according to a stomper’s data of a beggar’s 11 working hours. What kind of a lie is that! Absolutely crazy and rubbish! Hope that stomper could clarify his currency….perhaps Rupiah?

I don’t care what u think of them. Just stop making their lives more miserable. Who is the leech actually?